Today I want to not exist anymore, I want to fall asleep and not wake up again. Today is a day where hopelessness is creeping in. Do I say fuck it and just get it over with? Do I wait for a better tomorrow that doesn’t seem to come? I am tired, I have been doing this for six months and it seems to get worse. I am tired of just ghosting and waiting for something good to happen. This is so hard, where is everyone that said they would be here? They are busy living life and doing what they do. I am not ok and I am expected to be, well fuck that! I am just not ok not even a little bit. Today I just don’t want to be here anymore and today I wish I was the one that died. God hates me! I hear I will go to hell and I won’t see Gene when I die if I take my own life, good thing that’s not what I believe, and fuck you for saying that shit to me anyway. I hate my life so much, there is never peace it is just noise in my head, tell me again how hard you have it…… tell me again how I will get through this….. no let me tell you that I won’t and that I don’t even care anymore. I don’t want to do this, enough is enough. I am so tired of hearing how strong I am, I need help but no one is there period. Empty alone and fucking broken that is what I am left with after the most amazing love. I am left with pain and misery and judgment. Make sure you tell me I am not a good enough friend or that I could be doing more or that I need to move on, all while there are people there for you, a spouse or kids.