Today has been 18 weeks, 4.5 months since Gene Died, since I mentally died. I miss him so much, his smile, his laughter and his touch. I miss the way he would lean his forehead on mine and touch my cheek while wrapping his arms around me. That’s what love feels like, it’s a combination of feeling safe and strong and vulnerable and complete. That’s what my love felt like anyway. I miss that so much! I miss him giving me advice and most of all I miss his support, he was my biggest fan.
I am trying to move through this grief in the best way for me, all while wanting to lay down and die, give up…. stop breathing. Yet here I am again today, death wasn’t in the cards so I must have something I need to do here.
I am going on a trip to avoid spending the holiday alone, three holidays to be exact my birthday, his birthday, and Thanksgiving. We always went to his dads for Thanksgiving, well except for the last one, his dad was finally going on his honeymoon so we stayed home for what was his last Thanksgiving. My birthday ugh why am I dreading that aside from getting older I am dreading that because he made it an important day, every year he did something amazing for me. Last year he bought me a hot tube because I am always in pain. He ordered it from his hospital bed, that was the kind of guy he was, laying in the hospital and still wanting me to have an amazing birthday. His birthday was always a battle he wanted to forget it and not celebrate and somehow I would talk him into some big crazy themed party 🙂 I am persuasive like that. All of these firsts without him are painful and break my heart.
I know what you are thinking, I am selfish, he is now at peace and not in pain, not suffering, well fuck you! I am suffering I am in pain, it just transferred over. I know he is not suffering and yes that does bring me some peace, but it doesn’t take this horrendous pain away or fix the gapping hole where my heart once was. I feel like everything is completely wrong in the world and yet I am expected to carry on. I am expected to smile and live and BE HAPPY because that’s what he would want for me. I get it. I know that’s what he would want for me but it isn’t that easy. Things are so much harder now, I have to survive and do it all on my own. Give me a minute, I want the world to stop spinning yet it doesn’t, I want everything to stop because it feels like it should but that doesn’t happen either. I am left alone to fend for myself after having my better half by my side, yes it will make me stronger of course, yes I hope I can pull it off. I am doing my best.
Let’s talk about that shall we, I am in this situation, me, living it, living this nightmare. What happens is people that have no clue think that I should be this way or that. Unless you are a widow and lost your significant other stop telling me what to do you have no idea. Let’s see I have heard how long it should be before I get back out there, I have heard that I shouldn’t still be grieving, also that my pain is less then others, the list goes on. First of all how the hell do you know what’s best for me, you don’t! Stop that, don’t tell me what I should be doing, or feeling. You don’t know me like that, and those that do don’t say this kind of shit to me. I am pretty sure some of you are saying here she goes again on another tangent, venting. I am not, I am just sharing because maybe if I do someone else will be spared this shit, because maybe this will stick with them and they will be more understanding. Maybe not but it’s worth a shot.
To circle back now, I am trying to rebuild myself in every way. My world is so different, and yes Gene would want me to be happy that’s always what he wanted. I will try to do my best and be my best self. It’s a process and it’s not easy. I feel like I am pulling from his strength and actually doing better then some people could be doing. Honestly if people were patient with me it would be easier.