So I am going to be really honest here, I mean that should be clear at this point if you have read the rest of my blog.
So my husband dies in my arms, looking into my eyes. I hear, that must have been hard!?! Well hard is a fucking understatement. It broke me, I will never be the same. I found in the widow world that it is common to use drugs, drink, and go down the rabbit hole of sex (lots of it) there is actually a term we use called Widhoeing, true story!
I will start with drugs and alcohol first and then jump to the sex part. My life has been crazy, not the same at all, it is confusing and lonely and empty. I miss Gene so bad that it hurts physically and emotionally. There are things that happen everyday that could throw me into an emotional tailspin, I never know when it will happen or what is going to trigger it. It could be the fucking coffee creamer that I spoke about in another post. I cry everyday, every fucking day! I feel this ache this pain, this emptiness. I want to scream when I hear people say I need to be stronger. What the fuck does that even mean? No, I need to grieve and feel this, not hide it because it makes you uncomfortable! If i have not evolved through my grief in a few years then maybe talk to me about it! So this first story happened the weekend of Gene’s memorial, the day after actually. My daughter and I went to a concert with some friends, it was hot, I was sweating, I needed air. I walked out front and there was a guy standing there with a piece of paper in his hand. He asked me if i wanted some, i asked what is it? Coke was his reply. Yes was my answer. Why am I going to do coke with a random stranger when I don’t use drugs ever? yeah, I don’t know either. I took it tried to snort it and failed, it was just stuck to my lip gloss. I grabbed more and that time it was a little more successful. As soon as I walked back into the concert I felt like an utter piece of shit and I felt like I failed my husband and also my daughter, I felt complete shame. It was so easy to make that bad decision , because I wanted something, anything, to take this pain away. That scared me! So the drinking, yeah, you need to understand I really don’t drink, maybe on new years I will drink, I always have bad reactions to alcohol. I have gotten drunk three times since he died and one of those times went live on Facebook. Its worse then drunk texting, just learn from me don’t do it. I realized that nothing takes the pain away for me, it actually just intensifies it, so my drug use and drinking is over. I have been exercising and trying to do healthy things for my body because I promised Gene I would.
Now for the sex and shenanigans….
So there is this thing called skin hunger, don’t believe me, google it. Anyway its a thing that we deal with. When you had a life with someone that was always touching you and then they are gone, its horrible. You miss touch in a huge way. I really miss touch so bad. I have resorted to hugging everyone because it feels really good. I went to a concert and met some guys there, this is the good stuff. This guy happened to have a widowspeek like my husbands so that was weird, he was the sweetest, he got my backstory from a mutual friend, so he knew my situation. He was the best, when my husbands favorite band The Foo Fighters came on stage, he put his arm around me and I cried, I had fun it felt so good to be held and comforted. Yep that is it. Sorry to disappoint, I am fine not having sex. Do I miss it? Of course I do, but even more then that I just miss being held. I am not going to try to feel better through sex with random people, for me that wont work. Its never been my style to roll that way. I actually have to care about someone and be in a relationship to give them that part of myself. I am not judging anyone else, by all means do what ever helps you through this. It is horrible and if it helps then by all means do it. I just know myself and know that I would end up feeling terrible. So I just continue to hug people when I am around them.
As far as what my life might look like, on social media, I spend most of my time alone. I have gone to a couple widow events and I strongly suggest, if you are a widow or widower to join a support group and get together with these people, they will become your tribe, they will be the only ones that understand this insanity. I work because I need to survive so that is basically my interaction with people. I am learning to be alone and love myself and my own company. I appreciate the moments when I am around people, as long as they are not telling me what I should be doing or feeling. I hear lots of things from people that mean well. You are young your life must go on, things will get better, you need to be stronger. I want to clear something up, this is me being strong, this is me living without the best part of me. This is me getting out of bed even on the hardest days and doing stuff to honor Gene. This is me sharing my story, my pain and my grief. This is my strength!