I am getting close to the three month mark, that will happen on Tuesday. Three months is not a long time, it actually is such a small amount of time. Even after a break up people are still feeling it after 3 months. It makes me wonder why with death and grief, people expect you to be ok after such a short time. I miss Gene every moment of everyday. I miss what we had I miss every aspect of our lives together. You would think it would be all of the big things I miss but nope. Its the little things, that grin and kiss in the morning. The stupid little things we would bicker about. His awesome coffee in the morning and just looking into those most beautiful eyes while we talked about everything.
I don’t get regular grief, I am a go big or go home kind of girl, so its trauma grief I am dealing with. So I have been seeing therapist and counselors since week two. I don’t feel like any of it is helping much. Their grounding techniques and tapping mantra crap doesn’t help me. I am finally going to see a lady that specializes in the trauma piece. I have to go to Santa Barbara but she worked with all of the people that suffered trauma in the Monticito, CA mudslides. I am hoping she is the person that can help. Unfortunately there is not a lot in Palmdale as far as services go. There Is a therapy called EMDR, I hear it works for a lot of people so I am hoping that this will help. I have really bad flash backs and the nightmares are worse. I do not sleep a lot at all, its amazing how little sleep we can still function on (maybe not well). My doctor feels like I am still in shock and that scares me because I cant imagine what reality will be like once the shock wears off. I mean, this is really difficult. I know everyone wants me to be ok, of course I want that to, and I know Gene wants that for me, grief is hard. So much love and no where for it to go so it comes out in tears.
Americans don’t talk about death or grief yet we all die, its swept under the rug and just sort of ignored. I talk about Gene and if you think that by not bringing him up helps, it doesn’t, I still think about him all the time. Its ok to say his name its ok to talk about him, SAy. HiS. NaMe. This wasn’t a divorce where we chose to be apart, he died we didn’t have any say in that, we still loved each other, I will actually never stop loving him. I know everyone wants to fix this or avoid it, I don’t need to be fixed and I am ok with the avoidance at this point. I need to feel what I am feeling and I need the time it takes to heal.
I am very lucky because a handful of Genes friends and my friend Tracy have been really good to me, offering their time, their friendship and actually getting me out of the house. I appreciate that a lot , its hard to go out into the world right now, it doesn’t feel safe, I know that sounds weird but it just doesn’t. A huge trigger for me is sirens and so that makes driving really hard, it often ends with me pulled over having a melt down.
So why do I publicly share this!?! How dare I be real regarding my feelings it may offend someone right, its a topic no one wants to think about or discuss. I share this because I can and if it helps even one person it is worth it to me. I share because it is therapeutic for me. I share because I have never loved another man like I love Gene and I feel like our story is worth sharing. I have met several widows and widowers since Gene died and we all found some kind of understanding and formed bonds in a support group that i jumped into very early on. What I get from them is that we deserve to share our stories, we deserve to be heard and we also deserve the respect from people as to how long it takes up to be ok. We move through this, we don’t get over it, we learn new ways to survive without our person.
Everyday I get out of bed and I do stuff, it might not be a lot but its something, that is progress. People keep telling me to think of the good times and good memories, let me assure you I do, I am constantly thinking of fun, silly things we did, loving things he said to me, I think of him always in the best way. I am not weak because I cry I am not weak because I am hurting, I am going through something that completely changed every aspect of my life. I need time to deal with this, to process and to heal. I am not going to move on, I am going to move through.