September is suicide awareness month, I have lost some people in my life to suicide. I didn’t know that it was going to be something that I thought about daily, I made a plan and it still is in my head a lot. I have reached out to those closest to me. It’s been a rough road to say the least. I wake up most mornings thinking today is the day. I can not handle this another moment or another day. I had no idea every part of my life would change, it’s really hard to deal with. I have tried a lot of things to cope with the PTSD and nothing is working.
My husband Gene was a big believer in Transcendental Meditation but it can be quite expensive, it is proven to help with PTSD as well as stress, depression and anxiety. I reached out to TM.org and applied for a grant to help me cover the cost. I was approved today, I start on Monday. I am really hoping this will be the one thing that will help me get my life back on track. Maybe I will be able to cope with all of this. I do not want to take medication, I want to be able to live and cope without having to be dependent on any chemicals.
I have met several widows and widowers that have helped me through my rough days (most of them are rough days) as well as friends and family. I want to feel ok and safe and not have the idea of taking my own life as an option to stop the visions and flashbacks that don’t stop. I want to be able to control or stop this shit on my own, and be able to put one foot in front of the other.
I will keep posting as I go through all of this and update what I am going through. I still can not taste food and I am down 43 pounds in 8 weeks (not a bad thing I need to lose weight just not quite like this). I still feel completely drained of energy, sleep still doesn’t happen all that much, I still cry a lot and I feel like throwing up most of the time. I want this to change, I want to be able to feel good again and to be able to leave the house without having intense anxiety. I am generally an outgoing woman that likes to be around people. This shit has stopped that. I am hoping this works and I think it will because yet again Gene put me on this path.