So I have been going to counseling a few times a week also going to grief groups and support groups, most of it doesn’t really seem to help but I am trying. I am seeing a psychiatrist and today I asked for my diagnosis. She said “You have PTSD”, well what the fuck does that mean??? That means I am all screwed up, she said I may have it my whole life or I may be able to work through it with trauma therapy and medications. This is not what I had planned for my future, I had so many other things in mind, like growing old with Gene, going to Rome, doing things like that. Checking crap off our bucket list. Not sitting here crying all the time with so much anxiety. I have a hard time with everything, I can’t focus, I can not stay on task, I have flash backs and night terrors a lot. Which means I don’t sleep much. I have yet to have a single dream. It’s all just horrible events on replay night after night after night. The doctor tells me she thinks I will get through this because I am seeking help so early and I seem resilient. I hope she is right,
I would like to be able to grieve like a normal person I feel like that would be enough but to have this shit stopping my ability to even do that is a nightmare. I keep hearing just keep writing about it keep talking about it. That sounds great and all and maybe at some point it will help but for now nothing is working. I am doing yoga and meditation and things I didn’t do before and it’s really not helping, this is actually getting worse. Some of my triggers are smells, sirens, fire trucks and police as well as certain tastes in my mouth. I start sweating and crying and shaking and the flashbacks are unreal. I have never felt so out of control in my life. I posted pictures of Gene all over my house because I was told to hang happy memories and the doctor is wondering if that is also a trigger, I don’t feel like it is, I love the happy memories.
I had no idea that my life would change in such a way. At my first counseling appointment the guy I was seeing said probably PTSD and sent me to a psychiatrist, so I got the dog certified as a service animal but I didn’t think that was going to be my diagnosis. Honestly you hear about this from people in the service or people in major trauma. Apparently this was to much trauma for my brain to handle. I know this is a lot to read and if you didn’t make it this far that’s ok. My new life is doctors appointments 3-4 times a week. With these stupid groups that I also have to go to. I am going to continue because something has to work at some point right!?! I don’t know why I am letting this get to me so bad but it really is.